Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes (And A Disgruntled Hermione Granger)
by iphianeira
Summary: And, inevitably, the entirety of Hogwarts woke up to Peeves' rendition of "The Ballad of Fred Weasley and Hermione Granger." Very primarily dialogue!fic.


_Written for the Pairing of the Week Drabble Competition with the pairing Fremione. Word count: 800._

* * *

"Fred Weasley!"

"That's me!"

"Will you quit it?"

"Quit what?"

"Being an arse!"

"Hermione Granger! Was that profanity? I'll have to report you for this, you know."

"Shut it, Fred."

"My pleasure."

"Can you just stop this whole 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes' thing?"

"Why, dear darling Hermione?"

"Because it's distracting!"

"To whom, may I ask?"

"Me!"

"Only you, then?"

"I'm sure there're other people who don't appreciate it."

"Name some?"

"Uh. They've probably already gone up to their rooms. Frustrated, you know."

"I think it's just you."

"Even if it was just me, you'd think you'd still quit it."

"Why?"

"I don't know, being _polite_ maybe."

"Nah."

"Fred, I swear, I _will_ write to your mother - "

"Just study in the library or something."

"You know as well as I do, it's past curfew, that's - "

"Against the rules? Oh, pity. Guess you can't do it then."

"Will you shut up, Fred? Unlike some people, I actually care about my future."

"I don't care about my future now?"

"Well, if I was you, I'd wait until I'd made use of my intelligence to be financially secure and _then_ start some joke business!"

"So you think I'm smart, do you?"

"Yes, but I think you lack an incredible amount of common sense!"

"I think _you_ lack the common sense."

"What?"

"You're the one staying here instead of leaving for the library."

"Fred, it's off-limits after ten!"

"Come on, I'll take you."

"Even worse."

"Nope, we're going."

"I didn't know you were this friendly. The Fred I know would never help anyone study."

"Tired of your whining." (A sigh from the brunette, a raised eyebrow from the redhead.)

"If we're caught, I'm telling Filch you threatened to curse me if I didn't come."

* * *

"All you need to do is cast Alohamora."

"I know."

"You've been staring at the library door for sixty seconds. I'm not sure you do."

"Shut it, Fred."

"Not until you open the door!"

"Why are you such a prat..." (This is mumbled, under her breath.)

"No, Hermione, that's not how you say it. Here, point your wand at the door and repeat after me. Uh-loh-huh-moh-ruh."

"_Shut it_."

"As soon as you open the door."

"Okay! _Alohamora!_"

"Was that so hard?"

"Look, Fred, you don't understand! Merlin, if my _mum_ knew I was doing this…"

"He'd be proud of you for doing what's best for your education."

"Wow, it really sounds like you actually _care_."

"Who said I didn't?"

"Well, you, essentially."

"When did I say that?!"

"You've really implied it whenever you're rude, which is every conversation I've _ever_ had with you, in case you're not counting."

"So you're counting how often we talk?"

"Merlin, Fred, it's called a joke – "

"You're right, you know so much more about jokes and fun than me. I'm just an overachieving goody-two-shoes. You, Fred Weasley, are the funniest and most intelligent person to ever have lived."

"_Why_ would I _ever_ say that – "

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because _everyone_ _loves_ _me_."

"I know one person who doesn't."

"Yeah? Who's that?"

"That's not even funny, you know who I'm talking about, that's not even a good joke – "

"Right. I wholeheartedly apologize, Miss-Hermione-Granger-Master-Of-Perfect-Jokes-and-Awesome-Pranks-and-Having-Fun."

"Will you _shut it_, Fred! My point is, _not everyone thinks you're so great_. I, for instance, think you're an obnoxious prat."

"Is that right?"

"Very."

"You sure?"

"Certain."

"_Really_?"

"_Yes._ Why do you care?!"

"I was just planning on kissing you. I mean, this whole conversation's basically just been unresolved sexual tension. Then again, somebody might have walked past, so maybe it's a good thing you hate me."

"Why would anyone walk past a library to look for people kissing at half past midnight?"

"So you wouldn't mind kissing me!"

"I – _what_? No, what, I wouldn't, I mean I would, I would mind – "

"But you didn't object at all to the idea."

"It just – I guess it didn't really sink in, what you said, you know – "

"Well, you obviously want to kiss me, so I'm obviously going to have to comply, because as you very intelligently pointed, nobody's going to look for people kissing in a library at half past midnight."

"Fred, I _never_ said – "

"Hermione Granger, I'd really like to kiss you, and I do think you're much too flustered in this situation to _not_ want to kiss me." (A half-smile from the girl, a slightly smug grin from the boy, both of them only barely visible in the dark. The darkness, however, did not stop a certain poltergeist from watching the two of them; nor did it stop this poltergeist from composing an original song describing the pair's romance. And unsurprisingly, unavoidably, completely inevitably, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry woke up to "The Ballad of Fred Weasley and Hermione Granger.")


End file.
